When my mom died, a few years ago, I didn't grieve. At all. I wrote about that here in a diary I called shivah, loss, and the obligations of grief. But when my father died recently, it was different.
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I've already written about my dad here in a diary that got a lot of comments. He was a pretty amazing guy. If you want to read about him, go read that. I called it My father will die this weekend, but he wound up lasting a while longer, and dying on Feb 23.
This time, it's different. I'm still not "grief stricken" the way some are. I haven't cried. I am not depressed. But ..... it's been 6 weeks or so since he died. It seems like longer, somehow. I still miss him. I miss calling him up to tell him some news or ask him a question or ask if he wants to have dinner. My business is starting to go well, and he would have been pleased by that. I remember, when I went to the shiva, I didn't wear a tie (I don't like ties) and I thought "He will ask 'where's your tie?' and then thinking that, of course, he would not ask.
Now I have to do a couple things. I have to plan my speech for his memorial service (it will be in June). I think I have my speech figured out. And I have to figure out how to honor his legacy. I know I'm not as smart as he was (I know I'm not stupid, but he was a genius) and I know I won't work as hard (80 and 90 hour weeks are not for me). But I think I can honor his legacy. He was proud of his work, but he was also proud of the thought and effort he put into his philanthropy, and I can do that.
I don't believe in heaven or any kind of afterlife. I believe our lives are like candles, and when we die, the candle goes out. But people were still warmed by it, and remember its glow. And, if a candle sets something on fire, then that thing may keep burning
I'll just try to live so that flame keeps burning.
Updated by plf515 at Mon Apr 11, 2011 at 08:51 PM EDT
Time for me to help get the kid to bed, and then me to bed.
I will check back in the morning